As I mentioned in my last newsletter my husband, Rick of 45 years, died the end of April 2023. I was immediately launched into the grieving process. In some ways it is a relief to know that there’s nothing you can do but grieve. I inherently knew that this was a life event that would change the direction of my spiritual journey. I could surrender to grief or I could fight it. To be already on a mystical path meant I knew deep inside that this would be a transformative experience. It did not necessarily make the process easier, only accepted.
I have lost people in my life, including parents to aging which is inevitable. I lost my oldest brother, Dick, four months earlier than Rick. The combined grief knocked me down. There was really no choice but to surrender to the grief. There are lots of layers to my grief. I cry, sometimes I rage, sometimes I feel too overwhelmed and exhausted, sometimes I’m gifted with insight and compassion, and always I feel the all-consuming love of the Mother Father One.
The holidays brought up much intense feelings of fear and sadness because I could not imagine how to navigate them without Rick. This contributed to waking the day before Thanksgiving with severe pain from a pinched nerve in my neck radiating down the left of my back and left arm to my hand. This is the second time I’ve experienced a pinched nerve and I went immediately into fear because I had spent weeks in pain. I knew it was related to all the emotional angst around the holidays. This time my arm became numb with fingers that could not move for months until the muscles in the hand atrophied.
I became angry with my body and myself for creating more difficulty with this time of grieving. I realized that all this anger was making it worse. Gradually as I allowed the anger to surface and dissipate, I began to understand that the pain and nonfunctioning hand was here to teach me the fine art of patience, trust and surrender. In order to heal my hand I surrendered to the situation. The continued anger began to ease, I started talking lovingly to my hand and started going to a Feldenkrais practitioner to understand how to change and heal my body’s posture so the pinched nerve could heal and not return. It requires constant patience and total trust in the process.
I keep experiencing situations that require patience and trust in the divine process. Having one nonfunctioning hand taught me appreciation for how much two hands are needed for so many tasks. I have to depend on my daughter and friends to help me with some things, it is humbling. It’s a slow and gentle process to rebuild the muscles in the hand. (Fingers do not have muscles.)
I’ve played piano since I was five years old. Ten minutes twice a day I play very simple hymns. More than that and the fingers of my left hand get tired. It feels like a gift that I can still play a simple hymn and sing along. Gently and slowly exercising my hand requires complete surrender to trusting the muscles will rebuild. Gratitude is emerging for the lesson in patience and trust for what I’m learning about self-love, compassion and self-forgiveness. I still get frustrated at times because the healing feels painstakingly slow. Yet when I surrender again to the process I feel the grace of Mother God’s love pouring over me—magnifying the love emerging from the grief.
Everyone has at some point experienced trauma either in this life time and/or multiple lifetimes and with it comes grief. The whole world is grieving. It is part of the human experience of separation from Source. Willing surrender to grief ignites transforming love. It’s the hidden gift. Patience is necessary for navigating the feelings that arise from grieving loss no matter what form it takes. Closely associated with patience is trust. Trust in my Soul Self requires an immense amount of patience for the fruition of the divine plan.
We are still in our bodies and therefore do not have complete access to awareness of the multiplicity of the multi-dimensional divine plan. As light workers and way showers we know that a-tremendous amount of loving energy is pouring onto earth in this great tuning to love. As a result everything unlike love is rising to the surface to be dissolved within the light of love, peace and joy. It requires an immense amount of faith to trust that all is transforming even when it feels chaotic and at times as if we are going backwards.
When we sink into and abide in patience and trust, it always leads to the enfoldment of love for ourselves and our world. In order to do this, I can’t feed negative energy, take sides or focus on the current frenzy and violence from war and the destruction of the rights of women and people of color. When we angrily choose sides we perpetuate the divisions which started the violence.
The stillness of the heart always knows the way of peace and light which does not choose sides. I’m experiencing this more and more in my life. And, the very slow healing of my hand is teaching me immense patience which allows trust and faith in the process. I’m constantly reaffirming my faith in the creation of the new earth whose foundation is built on divine love. When I do, it leads me inward into where Oneness abides. I emerge onto new ground.
