This has been a year of consistent pain that at times has been excruciating. And it has also been a time of deep healing requiring self-forgiveness and self-love. The paradox is that while I believe suffering is not our True inheritance, sometimes it’s pain that focuses our attention on what needs to be seen and released to end our addiction to suffering.
This year of back pain has been all about uncovering the seeds of wisdom buried deep within the fertile ground of my heart-womb. The seeds of wisdom have always been within me; however, some of them have been covered by lifetimes and decades of adherence to the separated ego. This is suppressed anger, guilt, shame, blame, unworthiness, perfectionism, specialness and false superiority. It feels like a dense fog of forgetfulness. It is the forgetfulness of our True Divine Self.
I’ve been on a spiritual journey for many years, so I’ve known moments of Oneness and breathtaking awareness of my Divine Self. I’ve also been stuck in fear. It’s been an experience of remembering my Christed Self through the process of closing the gap between my personal self and my Higher Self. So, while I’m in this process of closing the gap, I will continue to experience times of being both centered in my True self and times when I’m not centered.
Somewhere along the way the spiritual ego inserted itself and convinced me there was nothing more to be seen. I had this vague sense that I truly did not know how to love and forgive myself and there was something I was not seeing, yet it remained hidden. Unrelenting pain got my attention and I could either allow it to take me deep inside to look at what I did not want to see in order to heal or I could continue to ignore or try to find a cure in western medicine and continue to suffer. Sometimes all three happen at once.
The process of healing allowed me to wrap my loving arms around the brave child that decided to hold and suppress anger believing it was a way to take care of her family and survive. For the first time I understood what it meant to love all parts of self even the parts that I did not like. And in this divine process, I understood the meaning of fortitude, authenticity, and humility.
In a channeling through Linda Dillon of The Council of Love, Jesus/Jeshua says about embodying fortitude, “It is the ability, the stamina, the courage, the bravery to return to center and it is the center, not only of the heart of love, of Mother/Father/One, but to your center and then to know that ‘the center’ and ‘your center’ have no differentiation. And that, my beloved friend, takes courage” “It is a passion, it is a drive and it is such a deep sense of commitment to complete and to do what you have promised in your heart, your mind, your soul contract to do.”
Fortitude reminds me of a song by Chumbawamba, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down.” I get knocked down, yet I can always choose to return to center. I have the courage and the stamina, even in the midst of pain, to remember my True Self, to forgive myself for choosing pain and to get up again by choosing love instead of fear over and over again. And choosing love instead of fear over and over again requires patience and trust.
One of my favorite quotes from A Course in Miracles is, “Now you must learn that only infinite patience produces immediate effects.” (ACIM, T5.VI.12) My understanding of this paradox has changed over the years, yet I’ve always understood it in essence that infinite patience requires infinite love. When we are in the midst of suffering or releasing fear, it can feel as if it will never end, so I often want to short circuit the process just to gain relief. Then, when something inside let’s go and I surrender to love, I feel the Mother’s grace and blessing immediately. It takes constant patience and trust that what’s being experienced is perfectly orchestrated by my Higher Self for my awakening.
And with fortitude comes authenticity. Because the courage to keep returning to center requires being authentic to my True Self, letting go of specialness and thinking my path to awakening is better than your spiritual path. Being authentic to my inner truth allows me to see others with loving eyes and to know without question that each of us is on our own unique path to remembering our divine sovereignty. Authenticity also goes hand in hand with humility.
All my experiences with pain and the process of self-forgiveness this year has been and continues to be very humbling. I believed because I’d been a student of many mystical texts for almost 30 years I would not succumb to these forms of back pain and so I thought I’d heal quickly. It leveled the playing field, so to speak. I was embarrassed to be like everyone else. When I saw this, actually saw this, I did not like myself very much. Then, I was flooded with gratitude and love for everyone in my life for their generosity and understanding and with it came forgiveness.
So those seeds of wisdom buried deep within my heart-womb are beginning to come out from the fertile darkness to be watered by my faith and brought into the light of my own central sun. Now they are growing, nurtured by my mind and heart in communion and balance. I am emerging from the fog of separation consciousness, closing the gap between my personal self and my God Self into clarity. And, there is no end point or confinement to the flowering of my divine sovereignty. You and I are forever joined because we exist within the One Mind and Heart of the Holy Mother Holy Father Sophia God.
