My 25 year old daughter is taking a leave of absence this summer from her job in order to bike from Vancouver to San Francisco.  When I reported to several family and friends that she was doing this by herself many expressed immediate worry about her safety.  Until hearing these responses it had never occurred to me to be worried or anxious.  I started wondering if I was being a responsible parent and why I was not worried. It was also interesting to note that the people who were expressing concern were all men.

While I still did not become anxious after these conversations, they did spur me to talk with Sarah about her plans and to suggest some safety ideas including identifying a time each week when she would call home, plus making sure we had her complete itinerary.  Sarah is completely confidant, unworried and planning very carefully.  I respect her judgment and skills as a bicyclist.

Leaving aside for now a discussion of why it is men who are the most worried, why does worry often precede planning and is worry and anxiety necessary to plan carefully?  Worry comes from thoughts of what has happened in the past or past beliefs such as women alone are vulnerable to attack and rape.  Fear is created by anxiety that what has happened in the past will occur in the future.  Worry occurs by fearing what may happen in the future. A mistaken cultural belief is that we have to worry in order to plan carefully.  However, Sarah has demonstrated very ably that it is possible to plan carefully without the worry.  In fact I believe worry hinders careful planning by blocking the inner voice of creativity and wisdom which leads to new ideas and solutions.

The past is an illusion; it is over and done.  The future is an illusion; it has not occurred.  The only reality is the present moment.  And in this present moment there is only peace and love.  What happens is that we rarely live in the present because we are consumed with thoughts of the past and worries about the future.  One way to bring me back into the present is to acknowledge that worry and anxiety do not change the situation, they only harm myself. Sarah plans in the present.  I accept her plans in the present.  I do not allow my thoughts to be ruled by the past or clouded by worries of the future.  When I do, I bring myself back into the present by listening to my inner wisdom, by observing first and then releasing these thoughts;  trusting in God’s plan no matter the outcome.  It brings blessed peace.

When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept.  We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.–Thich Nhat Hanh

Loving the unlovable means seeing past the behavior to the divine light inside every person.  This is often easier said than done.  Many of our children with behavioral, emotional and social challenges are very good at pushing adults’ buttons and getting into trouble.  We can recognize that their behavior is not who they are, however we still have to have a relationship and work with behavior that can be difficult.  How do we do this?

Recently Dr. Ross Greene spoke at The CSC Speaker Series in Winchester, MA.  He is author of The Explosive Child and Lost in School.  Dr. Greene through his collaborative problem solving approach gives adults the techniques so we can have our thoughts and actions express our mind of compassion as Thich Nhat Hanh suggests.  Dr. Greene says, “This is the most important theme of Collaborative Problem Solving: the belief that if kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.”

Dr Greene is not concerned with diagnostic labels, only with helping kids gain the skills to do well in life.  In fact Dr. Greene believes that many of those labels would disappear with the proper level of interaction and teaching with adults. His collaborative problem solving approach (CPS) is similar to what I call “seeing the world through a child’s eyes.”  Through series of non-judgmental questions we learn the kid’s concerns and then we tell him and her our concerns and together come up with a solution.  This lets children know they are respected and demonstrates we believe they do know what to do with some encouragement.  I highly recommend visiting his web site and viewing the videos which demonstrate the CPS approach.  www.livesinthebalance.org.

Dr. Ross Greene was the last speaker of the CSC Speaker Series held in the Boston area in 2010.  He talked about using his collaborative problem solving (CPS) approach with children with behavioral, emotional and social challenges.  I find it immensely compassionate and very effective.

Dr Green says that kids will do well if they can, “This is the most important theme of Collaborative Problem Solving: the belief that if kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior. That’s because doing well is always preferable to not doing well.”  Dr Green does not like to use diagnostic labels to determine why children are acting the way they do.  Instead he prefers teaching the skills to solve their problems.  In order to do this we must see the situation from the child’s perspective, learn their concerns, state our concerns and then come up with a joint solution to the problem.  This approach respects the child and demonstrates that they have it within them to solve their problems in a constructive and effective way.  Please visit his website, www.livesinthebalance.org to see videos on the CPS approach.

I hear and forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. Chinese Proverb

Tere Bowen-Irish spoke at the 2010 CSC Speaker Series.  She described wonderful teaching ideas for kids, kindergarten through high school.  The focus was on using Howard Gardner’s multiple intelligences to help children learn.  I was struck by how easy it actually is to incorporate the MI Theory into teaching.  Tere demonstrated how learning can be fun even if the child finds the subject difficult or if the child has learning or behavioral difficulties.

So much of our teaching is focused on listening and memorizing facts which is fueled by the need to teach to a test.  Creativity and fun have been sacrificed in order to focus on passing the tests as mandated by No Child Left Behind and the individual state requirements.  Just listening usually means not remembering what is being taught.  Combine teaching with listening, seeing, and then doing and the children are engaged in learning and remember what they are learning.  I was heartened to realize that despite the current pressure for teachers to teach to a test, it is still possible and easy to bring creativity back into the classroom.  Go to Tere’s web site to learn more.  www.allthepossibilitiesinc.com

In the past few weeks, I have had cause to think about the word alleluia in the context of a book by Kathleen Deyer Bolduc titled Autism and Alleluias and the song Alleluia by Leonard Cohen which has recently become very popular. I was asked to review in my blog Deyer Bolduc’s new book and my church choir recently sang the Cohen’s song, arranged by our highly talented Choir Director. Our minister’s sermon used some of the text from the song to talk about broken alleluias in our lives.

I have written several times in my newsletters and blog about the idea of embracing the difficult life challenges that inevitably come our way and trusting that each painful or difficult event will eventually reveal a blessing or as Deyer Bolduc calls them, alleluias. It is about trusting and surrendering to God’s plan for us no matter the outcome. It is central to the idea of realizing all of us are in a spiritual classroom so that each life event is a lesson in forgiveness, removing one more block to our remembrance that we are at one with God. When we are in a spiritual classroom we choose the spirit within as our teacher, the Unified Self, instead of the false sense of self which is the ego.

In Autism and Alleluias, Deyer Bolduc writes about poignant vignettes of everyday difficult times raising her son with autism and intellectual disabilities and the small but nonetheless meaningful alleluias she eventually experienced after each event. It is expecting the alleluias or blessings no matter what is happening which keeps us from staying stuck in the “oh poor me” syndrome and helps us find meaning and grace in what life offers. While written from the Christian perspective, parents of children with special needs labels of all faiths will find the book helpful in reminding us there are always alleluias or blessings in every difficult moment of parenting a child with a label, if we expect them.

So how does this relate to the Cohen song, Alleluia and brokenness? There is a definite sense from Cohen’s song that the alleluias we experience in our physical lives are broken that they come at a cost. We make mistakes, we sometimes do terrible things, we are in constant struggle. Yet we know we are forgiven that God only sees our perfection of spirit not the brokenness of our physical existence.  God’s alleluias are not broken, but on earth they can feel broken until we can embrace each life event, no matter how painful, as a spiritual lesson. Then we feel truly blessed.

I am writing a book titled Don’t Fix Me, I’m Not Broken: Changing Our Minds about Ourselves and Our Children. It is a spiritual parenting book about healing ourselves rather than trying to fix our children.  I just finished writing a section wondering what it would be like to  see your child each day with fresh eyes as if for the first time.

Who would you be without your story of parenting a child with a label? Who would you be without the story of my child has autism, bipolar disorder, attention deficit disorder, cerebral palsy, any of the disability labels? Who would you be without the story of being a teacher of children with labels? What would happen if we met our children each day as if for the first time?  Perhaps we would see with the eyes of love; perhaps we would see our children as whole with strengths and differences like any children.  If we could see our children each day with fresh eyes without all the baggage of what the labels imply, perhaps all those struggles we’ve been having with our children will be seen differently. Perhaps our children will respond positively to being seen for what they are, rather than just seeing the label.

I know the reality of needing the label or diagnoses to get needed services.  However if as parents and teachers we rely on the label to define our children, then we box them into a set of expectations that may or may not happen.  And this box of expectations sometimes can become a self fulfilling prophecy.  We can use the label to get needed services, but then it is up to us as parents and teachers to see past the label to the whole child, to be able to say to our children, “I see you, I see the truth of you.”  Imagine what would happen if every day you saw your children with fresh eyes as if for the first time?  Imagine the potential shimmering below the surface of each child unclouded by the preconceived assumptions based on the label.  Imagine the gift of love for our children to see the radiance in them. Inspirational parenting and teaching would flow easily as a result.

I write a lot about seeing past the labels we give our children to seeing the whole child.  However it is not just children we label, we also label and categorize adults.  We think it feels easier to know how to interact with another person if we can first place him or her in a category then we think we know what to say or how to behave.

One of my favorite psychologist/writers since I was in college was Clark Moustakas. I liked his emphasis on developing inner strength in order to be your best self in relationships.  I recently came across this quote and thought it conveyed what happens when we label people.

“Labels and classifications make it appear that we know the other, when actually, we have caught the shadow and not the substance.  Since we are convinced we know ourselves and others…[we] no longer actually see what is happening before us and in us, and not knowing that we do not know, we make no efforts to be in contact with the real.  We continue to use labels to stereotype ourselves and others, and those labels have replaced human meaning, unique feelings and growing life within and between persons.” Clark Moustakas, as quoted in People Skills by Robert Bolton, PhD.

Disability labels too often define how we interact with a person with that label.  We focus on the label and what it implies to us rather than focusing on the human being. We cannot possibly know another person if we think the label describes the person.  It often prevents us from going deeper to forge a relationship and a spiritual connection. Seeing past the label can be risky and can take us out of our comfort zone.  Yet taking the risk is always worth it because we learn something about ourselves and others which makes life meaningful.

I am writing a book titled Don’t Fix Me, I’m Not Broken; Changing Our Minds about Ourselves and Our Children. It is a spiritual parenting book about healing ourselves rather than trying to fix our children.  I just finished writing a section wondering what it would be like to see your child each day with fresh eyes as if for the first time.

Who would you be without your story of parenting a child with a label? Who would you be without the story of my child has autism, bipolar disorder, attention deficit disorder, cerebral palsy, any of the disability labels? Who would you be without the story of being a teacher of children with labels? What would happen if we met our children each day as if for the first time?  Perhaps we would see with the eyes of love; perhaps we would see our children as whole with strengths and differences like any children.  If we could see our children each day with fresh eyes without all the baggage of what the labels imply, perhaps all those struggles we’ve been having with our children will be seen differently. Perhaps our children will respond positively to being seen for what they are, rather than just seeing the label.

I know the reality of needing the label or diagnoses to get needed services.  However if as parents and teachers we rely on the label to define our children, then we box them into a set of expectations that may or may not happen.  And this box of expectations sometimes can become a self fulfilling prophecy.  We can use the label to get needed services, but then it is up to us as parents and teachers to see past the label to the whole child, to be able to say to our children, “I see you, I see the truth of you.”  Imagine what would happen if every day you saw your children with fresh eyes as if for the first time?  Imagine the potential shimmering below the surface of each child unclouded by the preconceived assumptions based on the label.  Imagine the gift of love for our children to see the radiance in them. Inspirational parenting and teaching would flow easily as a result.

Recently I had a conversation with my brother, the physicist, about the difference between religion and spirituality. I commented that some very religious people were not very spiritual and some very spiritual people were not very religious. He admitted that he had no idea what I meant. I was caught off guard and did not explain. It was a good question, however and one that I have not had to answer.

Most of my friends and the people I meet though my work means I am usually engaged with people who understand the difference between spirituality and religion. Although I would suspect each of us would answer the question differently.

All of the faith traditions are built upon creeds, detailed explanations of how people are supposed to worship, and certain beliefs that are held sacrosanct. These are what I call the exoteric parts of religion and they are created by people. When you get into the esoteric of all the faith traditions, there are certain truths that emerge in common which are usually expressed by the mystics. Some of these truths are that knowledge of God comes from within and we are all connected with God as one. It leads many of us to believe that instead of physical beings searching for spiritual truth we are spiritual beings having a physical experience. One can have this knowledge whether they do or do not participate in a faith tradition or religion. So the spiritual person realizes their spiritual essence and is a spiritual seeker of the mystical. Sometimes this person seeks it through their religious affiliation, sometimes not. There are many people who participate in a religion but do it solely for community and also for the ritual, the creeds, the rules but do not have any sense of being a spiritual being having a spiritual experience.

In most parenting workshops and books about children with special needs labels, time is spent on the idea that parents must mourn the loss of the child they thought they were going to get in order to appreciate the child they did get. It is a constant challenge to take what life gives us and find meaning.

A well-known story by Emily Pearl Kingsley describes what it is like for parents when they discover that their child has a disability. Imagine that you have planned a trip to Italy. You have learned the language and the culture, and you are excited about being in Italy. But when you finally arrive and get off the plane, you realize that you have landed in Holland instead. Now you have to plan differently, learn a whole new language, get to know a whole new set of people with different customs and ways of being, and you also have to give up on your dream of being in Italy. But as Kingsley writes, “if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely, things about Holland”  Many parents know this story but feel there is not a lot that is lovely about parenting a child who struggles or perhaps rages at life. It takes awhile to understand that letting go of the belief we were supposed to have a different life or child is necessary to create the space for the lovely things about parenting our child to occur.

Another way to lessen the grip of mourning for the child you hoped for and expected to have is to see the world through your child’s eyes. The grief may feel real but it has nothing to do with the child. Too often when we label a child with a disability we follow by saying I wish my child did not have autism, Down syndrome, dyslexia, attention deficit disorder, bipolar disorder, or whatever is your child’s label. What parents are actually saying is they wish their child did not exist and they had a different “normal” child. Imagine what this conveys to your child and how they feel. Loving your child unconditionally means loving all parts of your child, the stuff you do not understand and makes you uncomfortable as well as the good stuff. We do not want to get sucked into the shame and blame game; however children’s behavior changes when they are accepted for who they are. Imagine adults joining the child’s world in total acceptance rather than forcing the child to join the adult’s world.

People within the autism spectrum have been around long enough for the adults to now write about and express what it is like to grow up with autism and they have much wisdom to impart which is applicable to all the different labels we give children. Jim Sinclair an adult with autism writes, “You didn’t lose a child to autism. You lost a child because the child you waited for never came into existence. That isn’t the fault of the autistic child who does exist, and it shouldn’t be our burden. We need and deserve families who can see us and value us for ourselves, not families whose vision of us is obscured by the ghosts of children who never lived. Grieve if you must, for your own lost dreams. But don’t mourn us. We are alive. We are real, and we’re here waiting for you.”  (http://autreat.com/dont_mourn.html)